Jackie Chan goes to P5X
by everlovin
Summary: It's too short and silly for a summary. Read it anyway!
1. Chapter 1

Jackie Chan goes to P5X - . . .

Category - Fluffy silly stuff

Rating - K

Summery - That might take longer than this story is.I might write more but who knows?

Season - You choose. Before season 8 though. And as it is obviously AU, I might have both Daniel and Jonas in this.

Disclaimer - Nobody is paying me for this. Nobody ever will.

A/N Ok so you all know that I'm out of my 'everlovin' mind right? Who knows what sharp turns my mind will take me. This was one of them. Yes, there is a fund being set up for my psychotherapy.

SG-1 was hidden in the foliage gathering intel on the Jaffa below. The Tok'ra heard rumors of a new gould around and found the planet that it was getting its Jaffa from. There were hundreds of Jaffa below training in some sort of martial art.

"T, talk to me. Do you recognize anything?" O'Neill asked.

"Indeed I do not. I have not seen their symbols before. Their fighting style is also unknown to me," Teal'c intoned.

"Well we're due back for a check-in here soon. We'll debrief once we get back to Earth."

Later on the way back to the 'gate.

"O'Neill, I believe that there is only one person, or rather one group of people, who can train us to fight against these new Jaffa in their own techniques."

Jack simply waited. Teal'c would get around to letting him know about whom he was talking.

"I have recently watched a documentary and subsequently several movies about one Jackie Chan. He is well versed in several forms of martial arts. I believe that should he observe the Jaffa fighting technique, he would be able to train us in an effective form of the martial arts to counter their style."

"Teal'c, that just might work. There are several masters of various forms of these martial arts that we could consult with. I realize that most of what we do is shooting but it would be great if we had some skills for close quarters." Daniel looked excited about the proposition.

"Sir, what if we come across more people like the Shavadai? If we were to know something about their culture and - I can't believe I'm saying this - meet them on their own terms, we might not have as much troubles as we did the last time." Even Carter sounded enthused about the idea.

Jonas simply asked, "Who's Jackie Chan?"

All O'Neill could say was, "Oy!"

Much later in the briefing room

"Well, General, ya know how you've always said that if there was a resource that we needed, you'd make sure that it was available?" Jack fidgeted in his chair some. "Here's the deal, and once you think about it, it does make sense - sorta. These Jaffa had a fighting technique that was fierce. Teal'c didn't recognize the style. We," several voices spoke the we. "Felt that an expert in many forms of martial arts might be needed to first observe and identify the nearest Earth equivalent, and to second, train various SGC personnel in the most effective techniques to counter it. Additionally, Daniel and Carter felt that with this, a cultural background should be acquired so that we can meet up with them on that footing equally."

"I see, Colonel. Who did you have in mind?" General Hammond was impressed with the team's well thought out argument.

O'Neill fidgeted some more. "Well, obviously none of us are experts in this sort of thing. But, we were thinking of . . . Jackie Chan and his team.?"

General Hammond just stared at them helplessly.

A/N Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Do you all know how difficult it is to write in the voice of an actual person that you don't know? It's hard. By the way, apologies to Jackie Chan. I mean no offence.

A/N2 Also, I have just decided to put this soon after Fragile Balance 703 cause Daniel decided to learn Chinese.

Chapter 2

Major Paul Davis was muttering to himself as he walked up to the posh house in Beverly Hills. 'How do I do this? Of all the things I've done for the Pentagon and the SGC, this is by far the strangest.' The muttering continued until he rang the bell at the door, then he was all professional.

"Good morning. I have a meeting with Mr. Chan. I realize that he is busy so I'd like to hurry this along."

The man at the door stood aside graciously and led him onto the veranda.

Davis's smile was warm and professional as he reached for Jackie's handshake. "Hello, Mr. Chan. I have come asking for your assistance on behalf of the United States government."

Jackie's face broke into a wide smile. "This is story right? I don' t have any . . . say in how movie gets write."

There was a wry smile on Davis's face. "No, sir. We have need of your skills for a consulting job. We have cleared it with the Chinese government so there will be no conflict between our two nations. I can promise you that this will be beyond all imagination if you choose to accept. And, in limited ways, you can use the time spent working for us, in your future movies."

Jackie looked intrigued.

Really, it was getting too easy for Davis to bait this particular hook, no matter the fish.

SG-1SG-1SG-1SG-1SG-1SG-1SG-1

The next day, Jackie Chan and his crew were descending into the depths of Cheyenne Mountain. The previous day had been spent messengering the non-disclosure documents back and forth between Jackie's American lawyer. They being all in order, explained, and signed, the Chan crew migrated to Colorado Springs.

People at the gate rubbernecked Major Davis and the Chan crew. People in NORAD tried not to stare. The guard at the elevator on level eleven jaw dropped when he saw who exited the topside elevator.

Once they were finally into the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain, Major Davis led Jackie Chan and party straight to the briefing room. General Hammond and SG-1 turned to meet their guests.

"Mr. Chan, I'm General Hammond. Welcome to the SGC and thank you for coming to our aid. We appreciate any and all assistance you can give us."

"Please, Gen'ral Hammond. I am happy to help. I don't know how much help I would be. Why does United States Air Force need me?"

Mr. Chan, please allow me to make our introductions and then we will explain. Allow me to introduce my second-in-command, Colonel Jack O'Neill. He commands SG-1. To his left is Major Samantha Carter. She is Colonel O'Neill's second and hold a doctorate in theoretical astrophysics. Beyond her is Dr. Daniel Jackson. He holds doctorates in philology, archaeology, and anthropology. To his left is Teal'c, Jaffa warrior and former First Prime to Apophis. Finally, there is Jonas Quinn of Kelowna. Together, they make up SG-1, our premier front line, first contact team."

Teal'c declined his head regally and said, "It is an honor to meet you. I have spent many hours here among the Taur'i watching your movies. I have learned much about your martial arts from them"

Jack and Daniel grinned. It seemed that not even Teal'c was immune to the awe that Hollywood had on modern America.

"Anyway, here's the deal, Mr. Chan," Jack started to launch into an explanation of what was happening..

"Please, everybody, call me Jackie. It will be better than call me Mr. Chan all the time."

"Okay, Jackie, here's the deal. We have been exploring the galaxy from this command. During the course of that, we have managed to make some friends and some enemies."

Daniel interrupted. "One group of people out there are the Jaffa. There are people among them working as allies and as enemies. We have recently encountered a new group of them. We would like to approach them in such a way as to convince them to be our allies. Based on our observations of their culture, we decided an expert in Chinese culture would be in our best interest. I've only just started to learn Chinese and know very little of their culture. Additionally, we felt that an expert in the martial arts could meet them at a warrior level that frankly, no one at the SGC qualifies for."

"See, most of the cultures we've encountered have been derived from those based around the Mediterranean. We have Daniel here as a cultural expert for those. We don't have anyone for Far East cultures." Sam added. "We simply have noone who can meet all of the needs we suddenly find we have."

General Hammond spoke then. "We hope that you will go through the gate to this new world. Observe their culture from a safe distance, and offer your assessment. If Colonel O'Neill agrees, I would like you to aid Dr. Jackson in making the first contact with the people."

Jackie looked over to Major Davis. "You were right!" His face was split in a grin. "This is beyond anything imagined before!"

A/N 3 As always, please review!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews. Special thanks to pocoloco for her ideas on this chapter and inspiration from inneedofcoffee for one of the scenes. You are all great!

Chapter 3

"So what's next?" Jackie asked looking around the room.

"First, probably should be the physicals. We need to get a baseline on everybody who goes offworld," Sam answered.

Jack looked over to Sam. "Do we tell Doc who her latest patient is ahead of time or do we surprise her along with everybody else?"

Daniel spoke up. "I don't know about you, but if it were me, I"d want to remember that Janet doesn't like surprises and think of how painful your next physical could be."

"Good point." Jack stepped over to the phone and dialed the extension for the infirmary office. "Hi Doc! We've got some VIPs coming up for their baseline physicals. . . .Aaahh, you might want to know who it is. . . . No, it's not the President. This person is much more recognizable. Well one of them is. . . Jackie Chan. . . And a few of his stunt crew. . . . I swear, Doc, this is not a practical joke. . . See ya soon!" Jack turned to the others. "Yep! She thinks it's a joke." His tone was vastly ironic.

Major Davis seemed to sense an infamous Daniel/Jack argument brewing and chimed in. "Gentlemen, why don't we make our way to the infirmary while SG-1 schedules the rest of your training for going offworld."

"Oh no! We'll get the training scheduled, but we get to see Doc's face when these four show up."

General Hammond's face was a cross between a scowl and outrageous laughter. Funny, you'd never think to see both on one persons face.

The nine people made their way to the infirmary. Jack grumbled the whole way. Something about nobody believing him even when he was telling the gospel truth.

"It's your own fault, Sir. Everybody knows how much you like to play pranks on everybody here on base. If it weren't for these unusual circumstances, Jackie here wouldn't ever be allowed in the mountain." Jack smirked. There went Carter again with respectful insubordination.

Amazingly, it was only the SF's maintained a modicum of professionalism. It seemed that everyone else was unable to contain their shock. Aliens of every shape and size could - and had - stroll down the halls. One innocent human? The SGC was in an uproar.

They strolled through the infirmary doors to see Janet waiting for her new patients. "Janet Frasier, meet you new patients. This is Hsing, Chi, Wing, and Jackie. Gentlemen, this is our beloved Doctor Frasier." Janet glared at Jack. "What?"

"Sucking up will not work Colonel O'Neill. I still have the needles." Jack paled slightly at the thought of the various needles she could use.

"Doc, what did I do? I told you! Jackie Chan! 'Sides, what ever happened to 'first do no harm'?"

"Oh, but I won't be causing harm. I'll be performing necessary medical tests." Janet's face was smug and just a touch evil.

Jack pinned Daniel with a look. "You knew this would happen, didn't you?"

Daniel didn't bother to try to look sheepish or guilty. "Pretty much, Jack."

Jack stalked out of the infirmary. Once he was finally out of the room the other SGC members burst out laughing.

Teal'c (for him) was grinning broadly. It was not often they played a trick so well on his Taur'i brother.

That afternoon, "the new" SG-1, both charter and recent members of the combatants as well as the celebrity members found themselves in the SGC firing range. The weapons master, MSG Penhall, looked up to see SG-1 at their regularly scheduled time. Well, while they were onworld that is.

"It's good to see you Colonel, Major, Dr. Jackson, Teal'c, Mr. Quinn. Who are our visitors?"

Jonas's easy smile was firmly in place. "Hey Steve, we've got a few people here that need to qualify on all the usual weapons." Jonas had gotten to know the tough sergeant fairly well over the past year and more. "This is Jackie, Hsing, Chi, and Wing. They've been recruited as consultants. I hear they're pretty good shots on the 9mil. They need to qualify on the P90, the zat, and staff weapon as well. They're going offworld."

Jack, being qualified as Master Instructor, showed a remarkable amount of patience in instructing the newer members of SG-1 on the Earth weapons. Teal'c patiently demonstrated the goa'uld weapons. Sam, Daniel, and Jonas simply tried to stay out of the way and practice with their own weapons.

Jonas was excited. Ever since they got back from the planet and Teal'c explained who Jackie Chan was, he'd been positively bouncing. He was "supposedly" practicing with a 9 mil when he heard Teal'c encouraging Jackie with the zat-ni-kitel in the next lane. Zats were at once very easy and very difficult. The energy expended from one tended to be drawn to the person they were being aimed at. Yet, the wave effect made it difficult for one who was not familiar with them to be sure where to aim. Jonas bounced up behind Jackie and Teal'c to see if there were any other pointers he could possibly get. At the last possible moment, however, he tripped on his own feet and fell into Jackie. Jackie was just squeezing off a shot with the zat, which of course, went wide. It was like a train wreck. Jonas couldn't help looking where the shot went to and yet, he didn't want to know.

Sure enough, he followed the beam over to . . . Jack. Colonel O'Neill. His team leader. The one he spent so long trying to impress to be allowed on SG-1.

What was it that Daniel said was one of Oma's sayings? "If you immediately know the candle is burning, then the meal was already cooked." Yeah, well, his goose was well and truly cooked, to borrow from an Earth phrase.

Jack was ticked. No, not ticked, Jack was peeved. He was angry. He was mad. He was annoyed. And he was irritated. He hated getting zatted. After a moment of writhing agony, he sat up. "Who did that?" There was an unholy fire in his eyes.

Jonas gulped. This was a side of Colonel O'Neill that he knew was there but very seldom saw. And he hadn't seen it directed toward himself since the days after Daniel "died". It was a look that promised not death, but pain. He'd better get it over with. "That would be my fault, Colonel. I tripped and knocked Jackie off balance at a critical moment."

Jack took a deep breath and considered how far along his young teammate had come in the year and a half he'd known him. It didn't seem to him as if his young friend had come up against any adversity before the whole naquadria bomb thing. He refused to think of it as the time that Daniel "died". He seemed to be getting by on his open personality and academic brilliance. Not bad in and of itself, but he hadn't been truly tested. Now, even with facing what must seem to him to be a fate worse than death, he accepted his responsibility. Hot damn! He was proud of the younger man and proud to have had a part in Jonas's growth.

Still glowering, although most of it was fake, "We'll talk about this later. You have my promise."

Jonas was cringing on the inside. "Yes, sir."

Jackie was watching the whole exchange. 'Glad he's not mad at me.' was the first thought through his head. After a moment, he saw the colonel get over his anger. Jonas Quinn must not have noticed because he still looked like he was going to be in a world of trouble. Jackie decided that he would like working with this mecurical man.

A/N As always, please review. Pretty please!


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